If and Only If.

Fadya : Bro, apa khabar bro?

Aku : Baik alhamdulillah. Lu amacam?

Fadya : Baik baik aja. Buat apa je bro cuti cuti nie?

Aku : Tak ada buat apa pon . Makan tidur makan tidur je bro. Tengah pening kepala mana nak cekau rm800. Haha. Lu buat apa je? Panjat gunung ke bro?

Fadya : Lu apahal cari rm800 nie? Hmm. Lepak lepak dengan membe je bro. Panjat gunung bulan March bro.

Aku : Oh, yeke. Nak buat duit sikit bro. Nak buat duit kena ada modal pula tu. Aish. Oh then buat apa je cuti cuti nie bro?

Fadya : On9, Youtube, Blog, waiting for miracle happens. Thats all.

Aku : Untung ada internet kat rumah. Kepala otak i dah tepu dah macam dah tak berfungsi. Haha.

Fadya : Relaks bro. Lepak lah.

Aku : Lepak tak ada duit pon tak best juga bro. Haha. Bro, miracle wont happens if you're just sit still. Try to do something and put some effort.

Fadya : Put an effort and waiting for it. Thats what im doing now but shit its not happen.

Aku : So cant you see? There's no fuckin miracle. Dont be so stupid. Coz you look so stupid enough right now. Open your eyes widely. Use your mind to think deeply. There's no miracle. I thought you have learnt. I thought you have changed. But you're just the same. Wandering like a wet puppy begging for food. Is this what you deserve? Fuck. He didnt see, he didnt even fucking care of what you're doing now but yet you said waiting for miracle? Dreaming brahh.

Fadya : Pretty tired huh layan i? I know no such things will happen and at least if I buat and cuba benda tu boleh bagi I rasa puas and apa yang I simpan I dah keluarkan. Tapi at the same time I berharap. I've no idea of what im talking about. Full of bullshit! Demmit.

Aku : Kalau u nak cakap pasal puas, kalau I jadi you I tak puas. Sebab apa? I hanya akan puas bila apa i buat ada hasil yang boleh puaskan hati I. Tapi tak tahu lah you macam mana. Its up to you bro. Yes I dah penat and at the same time I rasa kesian. Kesian sebab you nampak BODOH. You nampak macam tak ada  life. I dont mind you nak cakap apa kat i but seriously I dah letih. You never listen. Just go and talk to someone else. I dont wanna know bout this anymore. Just go okay? I nak sambung tidur. Bye.

Fadya : Okay. Thank you for being such a good friend of mine. I tak akan susah kan you lagi. Never! Live your life bro. Thnaks alot. Take care. Bye.

Aku : Im not a good friend of you bro. Im not. Coz if I am, you'll listen to me. But you never. Thats sad enough for me. Seriously. Im not even your good friend. Kan? Take care too. Wish the best for you ofcourse. Bye.

Fadya : I ingat kita akan terus jadi kawan sampai bila bila. Tapi ayat you hari nie betul betul buat I terasa dan ya i nangis baca luahan kata kata you nie. I ingat you akan terus dengar apa i rasa. Tak cakap apa apa pon tak apa. I just nak luahkan je. But its fine. I know every single perasaan ada tahap kesabaran dia. And for today, you blow out kesabaran you. Sorry. Bye.

Aku : I never said that we're not going to be friends anymore. Never. Nevermind if you never listen. But atleast I hope oneday, even once, you'll try to think of what im doing and what I said just now. Think and you'll get the answer why.



Tiba tiba bantal aku basah. Mata aku berair. If and only if, you ever think of what im doing all this while, what i said all this while, all the curses, bad words, good words, even just now. You'll know how much I care of you, how much I worried of you, how much I afraid to see you cry, how much I really want to see you smile, how much I really do love you. You know what Fadya, You perempuan pertama yang admit I sebagai kawan baik you. You tahu tak? I never had one before. Even now. Its only you. On that time you said im your very bestfriend, I rasa happy sangat. Rasa nak nangis. And i said to myself, I have to take care of this girl. And with all what i feel towards you, how come I nak abaikan you? How come i nak biarkan je you macam ni??! Fuckyou! Yes, I said im tired. i dah letih. Letih sebab apa? I dah letih tengok you macam nie. Everytime you came to me, i tak pernah tengok you happy bila cerita pasal bf you. Semua bangsat. I dah letih tahu tak?! And boleh tak, sekarang, you duduk diam diam, fikir dalam dalam kenapa I cakap macam tu? Kenapa i buat macam tu? Sebab i dah tak nak kawan dengan you ke? Is that what you think? I just nak tengok you happy. I just nak tengok you senyum. Tu je. Apa I buat selama nie, apa i cakap selama nie, just nak you buka mata. Face reality. You dont deserve this. Please.